A perfectly imperfect step-by-step guide
So, you’ve decided to change your life, chase your dreams, leave everything behind — and ruin your life in the process? Fantastic. You’ve come to the right guide.
This is not one of those glossy “how to thrive abroad” articles. No. This is your manual for maximum chaos, zero preparation, and a soul-crushing experience in paradise.
Let’s go.
☠️ Step 1: Choose a country based on Instagram photos
Portugal has tiles. Bali has sunsets. Italy has pasta. That’s enough research. Who cares about visas, job markets, or cost of living?
Just pick the one where you saw the influencer in a linen shirt drinking matcha.
🧳 Step 2: Quit your job and buy a one-way ticket — tomorrow
Planning is for cowards.
Why save money or research immigration laws when you can just… go?
Pack chaos. Pack vibes. Forget your health insurance.
🧼 Step 3: Don’t learn the language
You’re a global citizen now. Everyone speaks English, right?
Expect people to understand you — loudly and slowly. Bonus points if you complain about the “lack of English menus” on day one.
💸 Step 4: Burn through your savings like it’s a limited-time vacation
Treat yourself! Rent the €200/night Airbnb with ocean views.
Go out for brunch every day.
Don’t worry — future-you will figure it out.
🏚️ Step 5: Avoid making local friends
Only hang out with other expats. Ideally, from your hometown.
Live in an expat bubble. Complain about how everything is “so different here.”
Bonus move: never even try to understand the local culture.
😵💫 Step 6: Expect happiness to arrive instantly
You moved. So now what?
Where’s the inner peace?
Why are you still anxious, lonely, or confused?
Clearly, this country isn’t working.
🎭 Step 7: Repeat the pattern in a new country
Didn’t work in Spain? Try Thailand.
Didn’t work in Thailand? Maybe Mexico.
Eventually you’ll realize… wherever you go, you bring yourself with you.
🫠 The Aftermath:
Congratulations. You’ve successfully ruined your life abroad — and probably grown a little in the process.
But here’s the truth:
- You can start over,
- You will mess up,
- And sometimes, what feels like failure is just the messy middle of becoming someone new.
💬 Final Note:
Don’t actually follow this guide.
Or do — just make sure you learn something along the way.